Nefarious Purposes

I would like to interrupt this long-delayed telling of our recent Aspen Comedy Festival experience in order to plug various neglected portions of the portroids website.

It seems our good friends at Google haven't roboted our site since May 2004, therefore all hits as a result of "Googling" someone are heavily weighted toward older material. We have plenty of new pictures up. Also, the aforementioned "we" is really just "I".

Here, since this blog is on a more regular robo-rotation, are some poignant links for all your Googling needs. I would like to point out that I find "Googling someone" to be "creepy" and "rude" and "fun", akin to using binoculars to spy through your neighbor's window (fun, yes, but how likely really are you to see them naked? Not very. Believe me, I know). But since "Googling" is what brings my hit count up, I cherish it. Oh boy, do I cherish it.

http://www.portroids.com/portroids.htm - this page gets more hits than a bong at Chong's house

http://www.portroids.com/Y2/portroids_y2.htm - this page is the html equivalent of all the pictures I've taken in Portroids Year 2, and is grossly neglected by search engines

http://www.portroids.com/stella.htm - this page is where I link some STELLA comedy portroids and tales

http://www.portroids.com - this, of course, is the "main page". It's like when you say someone is your "main man", when really they're just a way for you to get an "in" with the cooler kids (e.g. "Main Page" is to "Portroids' Flash Site" as "My Main Man Kevin Bacon" is to ... ______?)


I've got more links, but I don't want to post them. I want to see if the robot can find them. I like to play with robots. Especially robots that dance. We could have a dance-off. Damn, that's cool.

Goodbye,
Rick

portroids@hotmail.com

US Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen, CO - Day 1

During one of my calls to the Festival Box Office, I was told my best chance to get tickets to the Eddie Izzard show would be to get to Aspen early (they opened at 10 - "they" not being the actual City of Aspen, but "they" being the aforementioned box office) on the first day (February 9), to pick up our ticket packages, and to "beat feet toot sweet" (not actually a quote) to the Exchange Table. Though it caused grumbling from the likes of Me Old Lady, I set the alarm for "early". Thanks to this unfront planning, we were up, washed (please pronounce this "warshed"), and on the road by 6 A.M. You heard that right, 6 A.M.

Four to five hours later (not to gloss over our travel on treacherous icy mountain roads, listening to the LOTR:ROTK cast commentary to kill time, and the near-destruction of my transmission trying to go 4x4 on the fly - which isn't something it is designed to do), we found a residential parking spot a few blocks from the St. Regis Hotel (US Comedy Arts Festival Party Central Headquarters- or USCAFPCHQ for short).

I strapped on my handy Polaroid Spectra 1200FF (which in all truth, isn't that "handy". Though it's clunky size is one of the things I love about it; for when the world starts getting smaller, I choose to go large). Portroids await!!

Our first celebrity sighting came not five minutes later when who should we spy at the entrance of the St. Regis? None other than Donal Logue!!!! I know what you're thinking, but no it's not "Donald" with a "D" (at the end), it's just "Donal" (without the D (at the end)) like the Irish way of speaking and spelling. Be thankful it's not more James Joyceian, or it'd likely be Donl Flibbitygibbet Logee. (side note: I don't get James Joyce. Is he a genius or just a spastic with a typewriter? I don't want to be scoffed at by the "intellectuals", so I'll just nod and plaster on a static smile, pretending I understand even one paragraph from Finnegan's Wake.) Donal shows up from time to time on VH1 loving different things about different decades. That aside, I didn't take Donal's picture just then because he was on his cell phone. I may be many things, but one thing I am not is an interupter of Donal Logue on a cell phone. That I am not!

While I picked up our ticket package, I sent Erica to the Exchange Desk to check the vibe. The vibe, I found out upon her return, was that no Eddie Izzard tickets had been turned in for exchange and likely would not be turned in for exchange. Turds!

Donal Logue (he plays 'Chuck' on ER) walked by talking to someone. I didn't interupt him to get a picture. I may be many things, but one thing I am not is an interupter of Donal Logue when he walks by talking to someone. That I couldn't stand to be!

I had other tickets to exchange, so I waited in the 'Exhange' line hopelessly. Erica probed the crowd asking if they had Izzard tickets to sell or trade. One guy contemplated a swap for 'Waiting For Guffman', but made a phone call and evaporated into mist. And then a miracle happened. The couple behind us in line had one, count them, one ticket to the show. They were willing to trade, but only for certain things that weren't in our trading deck. The tension was high. We discussed making a three way trade with the Desk, but the Desk suggested we deal amongst ourselves (which made me think the desk was maybe hording tickets for "VIP"s). The couple told me to wait aside and that they still may be able to help me out if they got what they wanted elsewhere.

I waited aside.

After waiting what seemed like minutes, they approached and handed me the single ticket. I offered money. They refused to take it. They GAVE me the ticket. Now, that's nice. Then they gave me four other tickets that they weren't going to use and told me I could use them to sweeten the deal to any would-be traders. I didn't even get their names. That's because I'm a bastard.

Now we had one ticket. We only needed a second and all would be well. We doubled our efforts, asking everyone, sometimes asking the same people twice or three times (you know, in case they changed their minds). I checked the Exchange Desk more times than was polite. Still no luck.

I asked Eugene Mirman. He's on my Friendster list, though we'd never met. He didn't have a ticket. I told him we were going to see his show. "Midnight tonight?" he asked. "I think another night," I replied. He agreed that midnight was probably too late. He said he might skip it. Erica suggested that comedy is usually best around 4 in the afternoon and he concurred. I didn't take his picture. I'd see him around and get one later.

As this story grows longer, you are probably wondering if we got that second Eddie Izzard ticket. No. We didn't. Not this day, the day before the show. We asked a lot of folks and got turned down by them all (sounds like prom). By the end of the day, we still had hope. I told Erica she could use the one ticket we did get, so at least one of us could have some fun.

Um, the rest of the day was great. I didn't get any pictures. Not a one.

Here are the highlights (since I wasted so much time writing opening fluff, I've become bored with myself):

Went to a Shorts program at the Isis Theater. Enjoyed it. Erica lost a glove.

Erica bought new gloves.

We saw Donal Logue (he was on that show 'Grounded For Life') in the St Regis lobby sitting on a chair chatting with some guys. I did not take his picture (as you may have guessed from the statement above stating that I didn't take any pictures on this day). I also didn't want to be the guy who interrupts D. Logue whilst he chatted. It's not my thing.

We watched and listened as Sam Seder and Janeane Garofalo broadcast their Air America radio program live from the St Regis lobby.

We skipped the opening night film because it was kung-fu and we aren't that into kung-fu, at least not openly.

At 7, we went to a stand up show. I wasn't impressed. Well, I liked Simon Evans. He was funny. Each of the other acts had a few jokes I liked, but overall it wasn't that impressive (to me - but who am I?). Sheryl Underwood spent her set essentially begging the industry people to give her her own TV show. Now that's comedy!

The last thing we did Wednesday night was to go see Patton Oswalt and Greg Behrendt. Patton Oswalt is seriously one of the funniest guys out there. I loved his whole act. I can't accurately describe how funny this man is, so I'll not say anything more. Greg Behrendt was also really entertaining and funny. I laughed so hard, I peed someone else's pants. This, of the three shows we'd seen so far, was by far the best!! I wish I had stuck around and taken some pictures of these guys, but I didn't.

We went home because someone was grouchy. It wasn't me. We skipped two shows: Steven Cragg, and a midnight stand-up (the one featuring Eugene Mirman). Turns out that was the one we had tickets for. I was really looking forward to seeing that show, especially because the testimonial I wrote on Eugene's Friendster page claimed that I was his Number 1 Fan. It seems more like I'm a Number 2 fan. Oh well. Maybe we could catch another show during the next four days. Maybe.

If you keep checking back, maybe you'll find out just what happened on the rest of this trip for the rest of the Festival. Do we get in to see the Eddie Izzard show? Do I ever take any pictures? Will anyone actually read it if I write about all four days?

Until again,
Rick
portroids@hotmail.com

HBO's US Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen, CO - Preamble

Rambling Preamble

First, let me set the stage ... we attended the festival for one day in 2004 and loved it. This year we hoped to go for the full five-day event. We invited some friends to join us and they acted interested (bordering on excited) to partake. Before you get your hopes up, just know that they all flaked and backed out. Flakes.

It would just be me and Erica.

Ticket packages for the Aspen Comedy Festival went on sale in June of 2004 for the February of 2005 show. No events were yet announced, so I waited. Gradually, events were announced. Gradually, I grew more and more interested in attending, but wasn't sure how large a package I wanted (though all SPAM-brand e-mails tell me the larger the package the better). Finally around November I decided to get the Black Diamond Pass, the largest package imaginable (the ladies were going to love me and the guys would all resent me). I delayed purchase though, as most of my available cash was being used for Christmas gifts and travel and other things that money is accustomed to buying. January 3, a month plus a week before the show, I ordered the tickets: a Black Diamond Pass for me and one for "the wife" (I don't know why "the wife" is in "quotes" because she is actually my "wife". Oh well). I booked four nights in a nearby hotel (The Stonebridge Inn in Snowmass) and everything was looking cheery.

About a week later they sent an e-mail announcing the time had come to choose the shows we wanted to attend. I scurried online. I scrolled through the choices, mentally preparing a list of the must-sees and mentally undressing a list of the must-misses (you know, to make them feel self-concious and unabashedly ashamed). Scrolling the 'I's, my heart stopped and my pulse quickened (is that even physically possible? (I'm no doctor, but I play one in the bedroom)).

One night only ... previously unannounced ... EDDIE IZZARD!!!

We have been life-long fans of Eddie Izzard (who's name sounds like it was interpreted by Snoop D-izz-ogg, or any white person four years after Snoop implemented his -izz-es) since November 2003 when Nancy Williams introduced us to his transvestite brand of comedy via the wonders to Digital Video Disc (henceforth referred to as DVD). We were insatiable. We bought all two of his US-released stand-up shows, but that wasn't enough. No, it wasn't. We had to have the UK releases as well. We bought a region-free DVD player (it wasn't region-free until we "converted" it - using high pressure threats of Hell-fire and damnation) and over time ordered his four remaining DVDs (see above if you don't know that DVD stands for Digital Video Disc). Three of these discs have since been released to US markets, but damn if we aren't ahead of the pack on that fourth disc. We rock as Izzard fans! We rock hard!

There were four shows at the Festival that we were most excited to see. They were (in order of excitement quotient) 1) Eddie Izzard, 2) Waiting For Guffman reunion, 3) Arrested Development Live (I had quickly become a fan of the show after hearing they would be in attendance - I picked up the 1st season DVD (don't make me tell you again!) and watched it with loving attention), and 4) Jim Carrey winning the AFI Star Award (being presented by Conan O'Brien).

I chose these shows (and others) for our packages and waited to hear which of them (and others) we would get. I would like to say I waited patiently, but that would be a lie, and I don't want to lie to you (although I say "I don't want to lie to you", sometimes it's necessary for me to lie to you - for your own good - but just know that I don't want to lie to you). I was antsy, like as if I had ants crawling on and, even worse, in my skin. Weeks passed. I called HBO's box office (that's a little redundant, eh?) once and/or twice a week to check the status. "No update" was the status quo. See, there was a chance that we wouldn't get the tickets we wanted, even though we bought the most expensive package. We bought late and it was first come, first serve.

On January 28th, it was announced that Arrested Development Live had been cancelled due to key cast members' scheduling conflicts (which seems to be Jason Bateman's need to host Saturday Night Live that same weekend). I wanted to swear. I wanted to say words like "fuck" or "shit" or "dang" to express my disappointment, but I never swear (this could be construed as one of those times when I lie to you for your protection - it's in your best interest to believe me good-hearted and pure). The show was replaced by American Dad Live - a new cartoon by the creator of The Family Guy. Not a show I plan to watch. The sadness I felt was overwhelmed by my still lingering hope that we would get to see the other three important shows on our list. Oh hope, my old friend, don't let me down, don't be like those friends who said they wanted to go with us to the festival and then ... didn't.

About a week before February 9 - the first day of the Festival - I received an e-mail listing the tickets we got from the choices we made: AFI Star Award - awesome! Waiting For Guffman Reunion - kick ass! American Dad Live - um, I didn't really choose that! Sarah Silverman - what? I didn't pick Sarah Silverman (not that I have anything against her - I've seen her before so it wasn't a priority). No Eddie Izzard! Sarah Silverman replaced Eddie Izzard. We didn't get the one show we looked forward to most ! Hope was dashed upon the rocks like so many urine-filled beer bottles. Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!

And this was where we are before we leave for the festival. We still hold out that we can exchange tickets at the Exchange Desk (as I was told by box office officers) if we get there early enough on Wednesday, February 9, 2005. Chances are slim (like the pants on a cowboy).


Stay tuned,
Rick
portroids@hotmail.com